Two Parties

Two parties. I'm really that cool. I get invited to TWO parties for New Years Eve. Which sucks high school butt. I can't choose!

MORMON PRO

• It would be all morally good 
• Misa is there

MORMON CON

• School friends would get mad at me
• NOT a sleepover so I would need to drive myself
• Marshall would be there

FRIENDs PRO

• Sleepover
• ALL my school friends going
• Dress up

FRIENDs CON

• I wouldn't see Misa before she left for Utah

So listed like this obviously the friend party wins right??? Well this Misa thing really means alot! I miss her SOO much when she's gone. UGH. I wish I wasn't so popular ;) jkjk This list thing really didn't help. I'm still at a loss of what to do!

Sexyyyyy

Ive had this picture in my iPod forever. And I still find him 100% attractive. I want him to be my Mormon doctor husband. ;)

Cruise Control

I was talking to a friend and they said their living life in cruise control. Their just letting things go and not caring. In the big picture of life what they do (or don't do) this year won't make a huge difference. But I don't think he realizes we are supposed to live in the now. Live each day like it's your last. Cherish every moment we are given on earth. Learn new things every day. If we think too far into the future we will never really get there. If you are always planning for next year then you miss this year.

I understand where he comes from but I still am angered by it. I am a total planner but I still want to enjoy now. I want to make mistakes and learn from them. I want to try new things. I want to make this a memorable year. I don't think my truck even has cruise control- if it does I've never used it nor will I ever. I'm gonna be in control of where I'm going and go as fast or slow as I want. I think we were placed on earth to learn and be tested. If you go through on cruise control how do you learn? If you don't learn you can't be tested.

I understand he may have been exagerating in fact I know he was. But to even think that it's an option to just live life like that. If you life life on cruise control what are you doing? Wasting each day that you could have done something great. You could have taught someone or you could have learned. I love living life and learning. I look forward to the future and learning new things and meeting new people but I'm also living now. I work to improve the relationships I have now. I work hard to learn everything I can from school and church. I'm not wasting any day from my life. This life is a gift and I cherish all my gifts. Just like I cherish all my Christmas presents I cherish my life. I'm not gonna use cruise control to get through life.

:D 12/24

It's Christmas Eve. Santa is coming tonight. I'm so excited. That's all.

Music

Certain songs always remind me of stuff. There's 3 or 4 songs that make me think of Harry Potter because I listened to them while reading. The song Next To You makes me think of blogging because I made my blog listening to that song. I have songs for basically every vacation. I islove how music brings up memories or things I love.

It's starting to feel like Christmas

When you receive a present are you thankful for the gift or for the fact someone thought of you?
My mom gives me a gift for each of the 25 days of Christmas. To be honest for most of the things I couldn't care less. But I love each gift and am excited the next day to get one more because I love knowing my mom cared about me enough to find me presents for everyday. It's not about the gift it's about the thought that went into it. While I did ask for many things this year and yes I am excited for the actual gifts I also love knowing my mom wanted to get them for me. I came home today to her telling me how she bought me more stuff I didn't ask for. She was all excited. I love that- I love how she gets so excited for Christmas not so she can get gifts but so she can see me and my brother be so excited with the gifts. She loves spending her time planning for the perfect Christmas so we are happy. It's so selfless. It's such a mom thing. I hope I'm like her and I get excited for Christmas when I'm old just so I can see my kids excited.
Also though Christmas is more than gifts. I hope people in the world remember that. It's about the greatest gift ever given to the world : Christ. I'm grateful for the thought that went into this plan but also for the gift Christ gave us. The atonement is so wonderful and I don't know where I'd be without it. I can't wait till Christmas :)

CRASH.

I don't know what happened. All the sudden I feel myself swerving across the road. I checked my rear view mirror and made sure no cars were coming and I fixed myself and was going straight again. Then CRASH. I hit the guard rail. And I feel myself swerving across the road again. And I see a driveway and I aim there. I stop there. And I sit. Like did this really just happen? Did I really just hit the rail? Is my truck okay? But I was going slow and I wasn't texting and the radio wasn't even on. How did this happen.I've sat home all day and I know the only issue was the roads weren't clear enough for me to be going 40. And any given day 40 is slow. The speed limit is 45. But this morning 40 wasn't slow enough. And that is my fault. This is all my fault. And I can't fix it. I can't offer to help pay to fix it because I have no money really. There's nothing for me to do now. And I hate being useless. I'm scared to drive tomorrow. I know it was just one of those things that rarely happen but I'm still scared. And I guess I don't have to. Everyone would understand and give me rides for the next few days. But if I wait I'm just gonna get more scared. I'm scared.

I want a boy. I want lots of boys. I want to have fun and like one boy this week and another next week. I want flirting and fun and casual. And all I have it a fantasy crush with a hott attractive boy and a dumb crush on my best guy friend. A hott boy who has hardly said 50 words to me all school year. A guy friend who has flat out said he does not feel that way towards me nor will he ever. Like I am attractive right? I do consider myself pretty and smart and I think I'm easy to talk to. How come no one likes me?????? I put myself out there and I'll basically like anyone who gives me the time of day. I'm pretty easy-so come to me. Like me. ME. But really I don't want one boy. I want crushes and fun dates and easy. But that doesn't exist now does it. Nope. Blahhh. I've done nothing but sit around today and sulk and watch Grey's anatomy. And I've thought about how much I want a boy to like me and compliment me. And I realize this is completely shallow but it's easy. I need easy. Simple. Why does everything with me have to be complicated?

I GOT INTO COLLEGE

29 Nov 2011

Kendal I*****
1770 ******* Rd
**********, NY *****


Dear Kendal:

Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you admission to Brigham Young University-Idaho. Rich blessings and life-changing opportunities await you here.

Below are the next steps in your Admission process:

STEP 1. Learn about the Three Track System: BYU-Idaho operates on the Three Track System, comprised of three equal semesters: Spring, Fall, and Winter. Each BYU-Idaho student is assigned a track consisting of two of these semesters. Please visit www.byui.edu/admissions to learn about this unique system that allows BYU-Idaho to admit thousands of additional students each year.

STEP 2: Submit your track questionnaire: Visit web.byui.edu/admissions/questionnaire to complete a track questionnaire used in the track assignment process. Please complete this questionnaire within one week of receiving this message.

STEP 3: Watch for your email: You will be notified of your track assignment by email within four to six weeks of submitting your questionnaire. More instructions about your next steps will be included in that email.

Once again, congratulations on your acceptance to BYU-Idaho! We look forward to having you on our campus and feel that you will enrich the University.

Sincerely,

Admissions Committee
Brigham Young University-Idaho Admissions Office






Well it's not my first choice. It's my safety school. But I'm in somewhere. I'm going to college next year. Now I await my other acceptances....

I like him and I wish I didn't.

I like him and I wish I didn't.  He's a flirt and a player and not interesed in me. He will never really be interested in me. He just likes the attention I give him and he probably gets a laugh everytime I try to be flirty. Why do I always crush on the wrong guys. Everyone tells me how I shouldn't get my hopes up much but I think I already have. I already have. I like him and I wish I didn't.  In my head he likes me and finds me beautiful and smart and funny and he's being shy and secretive right now. He wants to kiss me just as badly as I want to kiss him. He wants to cuddle with me and hold my hand. When we arnt talking he thinks of funny things he can text me to start a conversation. But I know this doesn't happen. I like him and I wish I didn't. He's funny and cute and a flirt and smart and very boyish. We like alot of the same stuff. He's very real but also sarcastic. He's tall. He's a nerd. He has a testimony. He's a bit quiet in a way that makes me want to talk to him. When he starts talking he doesn't shut up. And he makes me smile. We are going through alot of the same stuff right now. I like him and I wish I didn't. He is one of those guys who like having girls like him. He kisses and tells. He is nerdy. He lives far from me. He makes conversation only after I start it. He probably texts 20 others girls just as often as me. I like him and I wish I didn't.

Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Think about how hard this truth above is to live. Do you ever live less of a life so that others feel good about themselves? Do you put yourself down? Do you not try for something just so others can have it? Are you fearing the future because you know you'll success and others won't? Are you scared to live up to what you're capable of?

I'm scared now- scared of college. Now I'm applied and I'm actually gonna end up somewhere. I'm not so scared of not getting in as I'm scared of how big a change it's going to be. Living on my own being independent and responsible. I'm scared. I'm fearful. It's becoming an actuality. Am I ready?

Addiction

I have an addiction. I am addicted to checking my email. I am always so curious to see if I got accepted. I just want to get in and stop worrying about it. I want to go to college.

Goal Jeans:)

Guess who fits into her goal jeans?! This giro does! And not even like "squeeze everything in and do a dance to get in" fit but legit just put on like regular jeans fit. I havnt even tried to lose weight I've just gotten back to normal eating routine finally since summer. And most the jeans I bought new this year are loose (which actually kinda sucks but it is good lol).
Yup that's all I had to say. I was cleaning my room and decided to try them like I do everytime I do a big clean. I was so excited I had to blog about it- sad I know but that's me.

Work

In sunday school we talked about work. The importance of it and how God has worked. We also talked about the importance of not idling. When we are idle it is when we are easiest to be tempted by Satan. Constantly working and striving towards something is ever so important to this life. We were sent to earth to be tested- this test is all work. Every second of everyday we are being tested to see if we can truly be perfected and return to God. But perfection is not what the world think of. Perfection is not being a size zero with flawless skin. Perfection is being worthy to live with God again in the highest kingdom of heaven.

I did not idle today much. Well much less so than my typical Sunday. I worked diligently for hours to finish my project for school and then did my other homework due tomorrow. Because of my constant work I finished homework pretty early (8:00 pm) concidering the large sum I had. Then instead of sitting and watching Harry Potter and eating pie, I worked on my college application. I'm so close to finishing it's a bit scary. After I send it in I just wait for my fate. (I should be a poet dontcha think) This worries me- I'm not good at waiting. But alas patience is a virtue and I should learn to have it.

I feel accomplished. I got my work done and then some. I feel good with myself.

What A Lucky Day

Yesterday was wish day. A day when all your wishes can come true. It was a very lucky day for me.

First I want to say thank you to the kind person who put money in the parking meeter for me. I only had 10 cents on me, I put that in knowing it wouldn't last the whole time I was going to be parked there but I just hoped that I didn't get a ticket. Lo and behold, when I get back to my car later in the day the parking meeter has been added too. So thank you very much kind person.

Secondly I want to say thank you to my dad. He did something out of character- He Spend Money. He bought me the last Harry Potter DVD. It basicly made my day. I have stayed up for hours watching Harry Potter but I guess I fell asleep at some point in the night. I love Harry Potter and I'm super sad it is over. But at least I have them all. Thank you so much dad!

I hope today lives up to my good day yesterday!

What Don't I Talk About In This Post

Yesterday was a long day. I wanted to go home and sleep and do nothing else. Instead I made myself go to the Feistma's and visit and help. I left feeling good, I left feeling important. Brother Feistma said he was talking about me to another lady who helps out during the week and he told her how great I was. Its a great feeling to know when others talk about you and how proud they are of you. When I was falling asleep I was remembering how Kylie was telling me how she thought I was perfect and how I've got it all together. She admired that. And I feel that's a really good quality I have, even when I'm tired and just not feeling it I fake it and be happy. And it affects others and makes others happy. Other people see me as this happy girl who has everything going for her. And I guess I really do have a great life. I just need to appreciate it as much as others see it. I need to stop faking my happiness and actually feel it.

I love Veterans, I am so grateful for them. Because of all those people who willingly serve our country I am able to live a free and good life. They are so brave and doing such good for me (and everyone else too...) I could never go put myself in a situation where I may get shot, I may die. Yet thousands of people sign up to serve our free country every year. They deserve much more than just one day a year, they deserve everyday because everyday they are serving. Everyday they put their own life on the line so we can be free and have a good easy life.

Today is wish day. 11/11/11. I am going to be more grateful for my life. That is my wish. Maybe I shouldn't tell the world (but honestly who really reads this? basically I am keeping my wish secret) but today I am wishing to be more grateful. I want a change of heart and I want to be happy always. I want to be looked at always like a girl who has everything going for her. I don't want people to see me as sad and depressed and ungrateful-because I am not. I have no reason to be. I can't think of one truly horrible thing in my life. People have things so much harder and worse than I do so I have no right to be moping around when I have so many great things.

It is also my grandpa's birthday today. I wish I could have gone out with my mom for the birthday party I really wanted to but she one-never offered two-realistically I couldn't just leave everything and go. I miss him and I wish I got to see him more. I want to know him better and I want him to know me better. I love my grandpa but I guess I don't really know him as well as I'd like to.

There's no school today. And I plan on getting my project done. I need to. I can't procrastinate it till Sunday. Except my dad wants to go to the movies and to chuckie cheese and do all these family things. I shouldn't complain but on a day off I'd rather sit home all day. Really that's like a perfect day- sitting home and getting work done and just being lazy. I don't get the chance very often to do it.

My new dog Scuba is being really cute and always wants attention. And since I don't like to play she just settles for attention from me in the form of laying on me while I am on the computer or watching TV. She always just lays and lets me pet her. Shes getting big though and sometimes she bites. AND BOY IT HURTS. I have a lot of little bruises from Scuba. But I love her anyways.

Well after this wonderful blog about a million things I'm going to go work on homework and eat food and have a great day off.

Stuck

I want to blog. I really want to write something that I am feeling or give some insite on life. But I just have no feeling. I have no focus to write something meaningful. I am just stuck-I am lonely and lifeless. I go through each day without much to take out of it. I am just piling on the work and commitments hoping I get stressed- Yes I want to be stressed. If I am stressed at least I am feeling something. I am not angry at anyone but I'm not happy with anyone either. I am just stuck in the middle. I'm just here.Alone. It's a horrible place to be. I need a change, but how do I get it?

Some Pretty Awesome Quotes

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit." Aristotle

"We cannot ensure success, but we can deserve it." Attributed to George Washington
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society." Mark Twain
"Your appearance communicates who you are, and you must decide what you want it to say about you." Unknown
"Bore n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen." Ambrose Bierce
"To hear is to forget; to see is to remember; to do it to learn." Chinese Proverb
"Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone." Reinhold Niebuhr
"Let your past make you better not bitter." Unknown
"A teacher affects eternity." Henry Adams
"Begin with praise and honest appreciation." Dale Carnegie
"Seek and you shall find." Jesus Christ
"If you don't measure results, you can't tell success from failure." David Osborne and Ted Gaebler
"If a tree falls in the forest but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" Confucius

Happy Halloween!

Halloween=FREE CANDY

Why anyone would ever choose to do anything other than trick or treat is beyond my thought process. It's FREE CANDY. and you get insane amounts. So the fun of halloween lasts longer than just one night. It is a very well thought of holiday. It is so fun to dress up and walk around with great friends and get candy. I'm happy now.

Now this is pretty cool :-D

RandomRambling

I was totally stressing out all day because I thought I had this long list of homework to do tonight. TURNS OUT I was wrong and had the wrong dates down in my book. I actually have hardly any homework tonight-besides studying for a really hard biology test tomorrow :/ -and so my day has turned out a bit better than I would think. I also went to the Feitsma's and helped him, I really love volluneteering there and helping him out. He is a funny, kind, and strong man. How he keeps such a positive attitude when he is in such horrible condition bewilders me. Whenver I leave there I am uplifted and have such a better mood. This week has been great, busy but great. I was in the Emergency Department for nv, and the nurse I was with let me do a lot. I love being in the hospital and helping. I really do love helping others when they are in need, that is why I want to be a doctor. I know I have the determination to do it and I will get to help people everyday. Being with patients and seeing how much they rely on their doctors to help them, it is truely amazing and I want people to rely on me in that way. Also as a lucky surprise I got to see an autopsy this week. HOLYCOW is that alot to take in, I learned so much from it and I have so much appreciation for my body. Everything is so complicated yet it all works perfectly together. Medicine and health are just so fasinating, this one little dose of a drug can cure a person! Insane. Amazing. I cannot wait till I am a doctor and perscribing different treatments to patients and helping them live healthy lives. Well its thursday, tomorrow is friday and I have TWO parties in one night. Yeah I am that cool. I will be dead tired from it all but I really need some catching up with friends, I miss them. I would never change being in nv but I don't like that I miss out on so much in school. There are alot of jokes I am not included in anymore-thats a bummer but nv is such a great opportunity. I am very grateful for getting in to this program. I bet I'll never forget some of the stuff I get to observe this year. I am going to go study now. JOY!#*

Lies

It's pretty sad when I blog a lie. It's just lying to myself. No one really reads this I'm not that cool. Really I am not doing that good. I am lonely and don't know who to seek comfort with. My friends are all busy with their life and I feel like since I'm barely there at school I'm not as close. And with my church friends I just never see them but I know they'd help me if I asked. I guess I don't feel comfertable asking for help because I never see them and really what I need is mental help. I need someone to talk to that I don't feel like I'm being a bother to. There's one person I do enjoy talking to lately but I feel like it's just me talking it's always me bringing up the topic of conversation. Thus I feel like it's not a truely close friendship. I need someone who will talk to me when they have problems. No one comes to me anymore and so I feel like I'm not looked upon as a close friend by many people anymore. I miss that and I don't know how to get it back. I really want a break. I want time to do nothing and have no work lingering in my head. I need a complete relax time. Today I let myself watch a few hours of tv but the whole time I was planning my week and what I'm going to be doing and what work I have. I need a complete relaxation. I need a deep sleep too. I should go sleep now but I just couldn't stand myself that I lied to my blog. Basicly my journal. I know I'm not doing good in reality I'm surviving. I'm not getting a head or falling behind just plain old surviving. That's not good enough. How do I get out of this rut?

This really says nothing

Things are going good. I am loving New Visions (rotations started today! so awesome) and my other classes are going pretty well I guess. Well I am dealing with them at least. I am handling all my friends well, no fights at least. I am helping out my family a lot. Things are going good right? Well WHY am I such a pessimist that I have to think something is going to go wrong soon? Brit is home for a while, which will be fun but also exhausting. I guess I don't have too much to say, but I miss writting here. I wish I had more time. I wish I had more thoughts. I need more sleep mostly, I am kind of not fully functioning because I am serverly lacking sleep. I never get enough and I always push myself to do more, but hey! I better get used to this because I am going to be pushing myself to become a doctor! That takes alot of self-motivation and determination-both of which I have a lot of luckily. Well I guess since I always complain about not having enough sleep I should just go to bed instead of writing something this pointless. GOODNIGHT

ugh.blah.ugh.

My period is super bad, my cough is getting worse, my allergies are acting up, my head is pounding, and my heart decides today to feel sad. You know those days when you feel like total crap and all you want is to cuddle with your blanket and sleep forever? Today is one of those days except my father has kept me from doing so all day. He has made me go off and do errands with him, he has made me make JB halloween costume, clean the house, and do a bunch of odd jobs. And I'm so tired and feel so sick I just do it because I don't have the energy to complain or fight. In fact I am so BLAH I am skipping the Trunk or Treat at church tonight I don't think I've skipped that ever. But I just need to lay down  and have alone time. Eat food and watch tv. I need to let myself feel like complete crap for an hour or two then  I'll move on and get better. I just need time.Give me some.

Madison Marie Ianuzi

I was six years old and I didn't understand, where was my sister? Why was my family so upset? Why is everyone crying? My father sat me down and told me, mom had given birth to a still-born, my sister, Madison Marie Ianuzi.

As a young child I realized tragedy struck my family; it was not until later I learned how Madison would affect my life. To deal with the loss, I studied the promises God has made about families. Through this I gained a strong testimony on families- I know families are forever and I will be with my sister again one day.

Fortunately, this loss has allowed me to cherish the siblings I have on earth- an older sister and younger brother, both of which have helped me to become a better sibling and well-rounded person. My sister and brother taught me to be loving, understanding, kind and patient with others. Even though we have minor arguments I am grateful for my siblings as they have helped me become who I am today.

While I gained much from this loss, I still look forward to the eternities when I'm able to be with my sister, Madison, once again.

Don't

Don't they realize I'd rather be sleeping than staying up late to do homework? I really would. But I can't sleep knowing I have work to do. I understand that I have been moody and that I really need to relax and sleep more but I can't. Not when I have homework and college aps and resumes and scholarship forms and volunteering to do. I know I am overloading myself a bit but there's nothing I could cut out. So all I ask is that you allow me to do the stuff I need to. Don't tell me to go to bed when I havnt finished my homework. Don't keep me out on a family night when I have hours of homework. I'm going to do my work then go to bed; I am not fooling around and doing anything extra. Also, it really bugs me when you say I need to cut back. Tell me what I could cut out-I'd like to know really.

Senior Kirtland Trip 2012

 a light shall break forth among them that sit in darkness, and it shall be the fullness of my gospel

The senior trip was amazing. I got so close to the girls but also became good friends with a few of the boys. There are so many wild stories I could tell but they would take years to explain. My favorite part of the trip was the School of the Prophets. That room is so powerful and the spirit is so strong. I pretty much bawled the whole time in there, Christ appeared in there that exact small little room. And I was in there. It was pretty amazing. I wish everyone could feel what I felt this weekend, I want everyone to share in the blessings of this gospel. The Kirtland Temple is such a beautiful place but they don't have the spirit there, and that is such a shame. The Community of Christ is so close to knowing the truth but yet they don't fully accept it. What a huge shame. The car ride was long and we got no sleep but we all got so much closer. We all felt the spirit together. Me, Andrea and Whitney got even closer on our way back from Elmira to Owego, I love those girls and I know they love me back, I think I'm going to really need their friendships this year. I can see my school friends all going their own way, we are all very busy and I think I just don't feel as connected anymore. I get so angry when they don't understand how great the gospel is. I wish they would take me more seriously when I tell them of the amazing truths of this gospel. The quote above was in the room where we had testimony meeting...so of course I read it like 50 billion times and memorized it. It's very true and it is very encouraging I feel. It gives me hope for the future and for whenever things get hard. I will never forget this weekend and the spirit I felt and I won't forget the great testimonies given by all of my friends. I love hearing friends testimonies because you know these people so well but yet you are always happily surprised when you hear how strong they are in the gospel. I love this church and I love how I will probably be friends with these people forever.

Here are some of the funny quotes from this weekend:

"you have eight pillows you can make a bed with that" Dalton


"mom I don't wanna die" -Cassie


"I am a camel" Whitney


"I know my sandwich tastes betta than this" Sister Dauphin


"da da da BOOM" Dalton
(talking about me running over kids)


"ruffagans" sister gifford


"sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite" "pop goes the weasel" sister giffords
"about how we all have dated and kissed him" Dalton


"ride you like a donkey" Dalton


"they made out and like grounded" Whitney


"brother brown is calling sister black!" -not sure

Here are some of the picture from this weekend:

1 day...I think

I think I got this count down thing wrong because it's tomorrow?? Does that still make is 1day??? I'm a smartie.

Well it's tomorrow and I wish I were more excited. But I feel really sick and tired and all I want to do it sleep. Car ride is going to be my sleep time. I need it to be. I'm so miserable right now I can't be like this all weekend. Why is nothing ever perfect? Why can't I just be freaking healthy and excited to go to kirtland?

2 days

It's Wednesday. And I feel like crap and I have a cough that sounds like I am dying. I just gotta get to Friday. FRIDAY everything will be better and I'll be happy and excited and things will be better. 2 days. I can do that. I know I can, even though at the time like during the day I feel like crap and want nothing more than to come home and sit and watch netflix for hours. Which I can't do because I have homework and church and family stuff galore. I hate being busy.

Actually that's a lie. I'd rather be busy than be bored, but sometimes I long for those days where I sit home the entire day in my sexy footy PJ's and watch TV and YouTube and by the end of the day I am happy with myself. I am happy because I have relaxed all day. I need those days but I don't see myself getting one for a while. This weekend even it won't  be relaxing, but it will be fun so I'm being positive. 2 days. I can do it. I think I can... I absolutely loved that book as a kid. The Little Engine That Could. I read that so much as a child, I partially blame that book for why I am so motivated in life. I don't feel that I am particularly intelligent but I am driven and self-motivated. I accept nothing but the best from myself and therefore I am able to achieve things that are beyond what I set my goals for.

Set the bar high

and you'll leap over it with plenty of space underneath.

3DAYS!!!

It is Tuesday but it feels like a monday. I wish it were Thursday. I know this week is going to drag on and that I'm going to be massivly busy. I just need to get to Friday and Friday will be fun. I think a count down is appropriate: 3 days!!!

I Love Sundays

Some may think it would be a pain to go to church for 3 hours, but I love it. I love being around everyone, and learning everything I can about the gospel. I love how I know so many people and how they all know me. And I love knowing that everyone there cares for me. I love going to church, it's impossible to be unhappy at church (well for me at least).

Today was fast Sunday-whoops kinda forgot. So unfortunately I did not fast, but I still tried to make the most out of the day. I love listening to every ones testimonies, it strengthens mine like nothing else. Feeling the spirit so strongly with a hundred other people is so great. I really love listening to the stories from the old people in the ward, they seriously tell the best stories I look forward to every single elderly person who goes up to bare their testimony. In Sunday school we started class by listening to Daughters by John Mayer-I love that song. Probably my favorite song because it is so true. If only all fathers, and mothers, would treat their daughters well I feel the world would be better. If all girls had a good childhood and were raised with standards everyone would be less likely to give into temptation-thus a better world. Do you get my thinking? Anyways, I got pulled out of class early to talk with the Bishop because it was time for my biannual meeting with him. I guess all youth are supposed to meet with him around their birthdays and their half birthdays. It was fun talking with the bishop and telling him about school and how great it's going. He seamed really interested and it made me feel good. Then in young women's, well that was fun! It always is, especially when Jackie teaches. She is so amazing and she manages to get a lesson in while we all have fun. We learned about the importance of repentance, how it is effects you, others, and Heavenly Father. I think I most often forget how my sins may affect others, I want to remember this more.

Sundays are such a great day- I love having a day that I am home. I get caught up on everything I want to do and need to do. All my family is home and resting and together. I love that Sunday is set apart from the rest of the week- as it should be. I feel bad for others who have Sunday blend in with the week. It would suck having a busy Sunday. To me, my whole life, Sunday has been my relaxing day. Yet another great teaching from the amazing truthful gospel of Christ.

Crush

"I feel horrible" says the young teenage girl "That's why they call it a crush- because you feel crushed when it doesn't work out" replies the wise father

I knew I shouldn't go there. I knew he was bad news. I knew he wouldn't "crush" back. Yet I crushed on. And got my hopes up for something, anything really to happen. Here I am disapointed.

Cheer Up

I just spent about an hour typing up a blog about how I feel. How I feel nasty and gross and fat and ugly. But I am too insecure to post that up here. Even though I don't think anyone reads this but on the chance they do I don't want people knowing just how miserable I am. Especially because I feel that I fake it pretty well-I fake it that I have it all put together and that I know what I want to do with myself. I fake it that I have good self-confidence and that I like the way I look. But anyone who knows me knows that it's all a lie. They are just too nice and overlook how fake I act.

I have been pretty down all day- I weighed myself this morning. Bad decision number 1. Then I realized that I am crushing on this boy- who I really shouldn't. Bad decision number 2. After I told some people how I am crushing on someone. Bad decision number 3. I've been starving myself all day because I feel fat and so I am super grumpy. Bad decision number 4.

I have to go get ready for a Super Saturday dance. I wish I was more excited but I'm not. I know I'm gonna be upset at the end of the night when there's no cute boys asking me to dance- but really should I be shocked? It's not like there's any cute boys in the whole stake? I need to stop getting my hopes up for nothing. But also I have to wear plaid-and the only option I really have (for a plaid shirt) makes me look fat. My hair feels gross and I don't have much time to shower. I have no shoes to wear with my outfit. And did I mention that I look fat? Appearance really affects how I act and today my appearance kinda sucks.

I am just going to be the cheery-est person tonight dontcha think?

I really need to cheer up but I just don't know how. Well eating may help. And maybe if I get ready I'll feel a little better about myself. But my days already been sucky I can't really change it that much. I think I'm going to read my scriptures a little bit too that supposedly helps when you're in a bad mood. Never really helps me though, but it won't hurt will it? Well it's time to go cheer up!

NewYorkCity

I wish I lived in newyorkcity.

Whenever I meet people when I'm out of town and I say I'm front New York they assume the city. The city would never get boring they're shops galore a dozen restaurants and clubs. I really want to live in a city but not as a parent I want to like on my own or with a friend. I think it'd be so cool to go to Columbia. That's my dream college but of course BYU is like my realistic dream.

I love the fast vibe of NYC and I love the fashion!!! Style is so distinct here in the city and I would love to be here. In plain old bingo the "fashion" consists of sweats-high rollers wear yoga's. Like that's the worst part I think-I cab deal with bad weather and boringness but I wish there was good clothes and fashion.

I want to makes style for myself. When I go to college I want to have a style and have people envy it. Is that mean? Is that a bad goal? To look so good people are jealous? Ha I'm vain. I bought a watch today in the city, I want to become one of "those" people who always wear a watch. I feel like successful people wear watches- and I want to be successful so that's a good strategy right?

I am wondering if people read this, I wish I didn't freak so much when my friends were. It's not like it's deep dark secrets on here. I kind of like to think there are random stalkers who read this and they strive to live like me.

Actually no I don't-that'd be mega sketch.

Baptism

Last night was Ashley's baptism she is such a great example. I can see she really believes in this gospel. At 15 I don't think I could make such a big choice as to get baptized in a different church than my parents. She must really believe and that makes me so happy. This proves to me once again that the church is true.
I know the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true and I am eternally grateful for being a member. It has made me who I am. I am a kinder and more accepting person because I have grown up in this church.

I know Christ died for me so that I could return to heaven. I believe in the atonement, I know Christ felt everything that I feel. This is an encouraging thought. It makes me feel less alone. I know Joseph smith was a prophet called of God. I know Joseph smith went into the sacred grove and prayed to Heavenly Father asking what church is true. And I know without a doubt that heavenly father and Christ appeared to him. I am grateful that Joseph smith was faithful and restored this gospel. I believe in the power of prayer. While I may not be the best at daily prayers I do believe in prayer. I know God listens to me every time I pray. And I know he will answer my prayers. I know the process of repentance is real and works. I know we can be clean again even if we mess up. I know how crucial repentance is on order to return to heaven and live in the celestial kingdom.
I know angels are real. I know my Madison is in heaven watching me everyday. I know she is with me every time I need her. I know families are forever and I am more thankful for this than anything in the world. I can't wait to live with Madison and be with her and be her older sister. I know the Holy Ghost is real and I am grateful to have it always with me. It is the comforter in my life. The Holy Ghost helps me be strong when I feel weak. I wish everyone could have the Holy Ghost with them because then everyone would have to believe in this gospel. I believe if you can feel the spirit then you can be shown the truth of this gospel.

I know this church is true and it makes me so proud to see others converting. I want to cry in joy over Ashley being baptised. She has changed her life for the better by accepting the gospel. I am thankful for Josh and how he was so willing to share the gospel. He wasn't scared to invite her to watch conference on T.V. with his family, and because he did so one year ago now Ashley is baptised. I want to  be more like that, I don't want to be scared to invite people. My goal is that I get each of my friends to church at some point, I really think they should come. I know some of my friends have felt the spirit when I have talked about the church (I talk about it enough!). I have bared my testimony of little things to them and I know they know that I believe in this church. I pray that before they die they each accept this gospel in their lives. I love this gospel and all its truthfulness that it shows to me. It answers all my questions in life.

Homecoming 2011

Well the makeups off my hair is unpinned and my dress is hung up.

It's crazy how fast I can go from looking like a princess to looking skummy.

Good memories and bad.

Homecoming 2011=complete.

I drove my truck in the parade and managed to not kill or hit anyone. Major feat? I think so. The game was cold and miserable and of course SV lost. Not really a shocker there. But the dance- that's the important part of homecoming weekend correct? Well getting ready was a pain and I felt like everything was going wrong. First I put too much bronzer on, then my mascara smudged across my face, then my hair fell out of its' pretty up-do. I started crying after that last one. Yet I finally made it to Morgans party. And once again I felt as ugly as can be. My friends all had gotten ready together and thus Sabrina worked magic and made everyone a model. And then there is me who had crappy fast make-up and hair that was just one big mess. And my dress was a little big so I looked fat.

Needless to say, my night did not start out great.

But my friends are always fun and I quickly cheered up, and we took tons of pictures and acted crazy. The dance was fun but my shoes killed me. But they were so pretty it didn't matter. (Silver Peep Toe)

There was of course drama-it wouldn't be homecoming without any. Some good came out of the drama though- I slapped the ever-annoying Darren Wheelock. The dirty lying cheating skum-bag fag himself. Quite proud of that, only wish that I had slapped harder. After the dance we went out to eat at Denny's. I got a meal that was way too huge yet of course I ate a majority of it. When I have food in front of me I'm going to eat it. Unforunately that would be why I weigh so much, OH the joys of being a teenage girl. I'm constantly worried about outward appearance and shallow things such as weight. Anyways, I had alot of fun with my friends at Denny's but we decided that we all wanted to go back to our own homes afterwards and not sleepover at Emilys'.

It was my last homecoming. This year is going to be filled with lasts, I just hope I make the best of each one of them.

Picture Time!



I swear I was just going like 5 mph.




I am an awsome driver.





Rain rain go away

I hate rain. I do not find it soothing. I find it annoying and loud. I've had a crap day and I can't even fall asleep becase the dumb loud rain. All I want to do is cry (which I can't I've tried I just can't even do that) or sleep (and due to rain I can't do this either). Why does it always seam to rain on my down days too? The days I need the sunshine it rains. Welcome to NY.

This week is lasting way too long and I'm way to depressed to have it continue. If tomorrow isn't better I'm gonna break down. I feel it coming. I just need to vent and cry until I feel better but I have no one to do this with. So it's just getting worse.

Wow the rain just got even heavier. I just want quiet to fall asleep.
Please.....

HateHappy

I know it's wrong to hate people. But there are some people I really cannot stand. They're people who think they are perfect, and I hate them. They're people who are lazy and don't try, I hate them too. They're are people who do mean stuff just to get a rise out of others, I hate them. They're people who don't try at all and yet receive everything, I especially hate them.

I feel like I try really hard to get everything I have. I definitely do not get good grades by doing nothing, I study. A LOT. Even though I always act like I don't. I act like this all comes easily. What crap right? Well I also try to act like I don't put effort into my appearance. I act like it takes 5 minutes to curl my hair in the morning-yeah more like 20. Yet I do it every day because I want to look pretty and perfect. Mostly, I act like I'm happy and independent. Truth is? I'm scared, sad, and lonely. I hate how when I look at my phone majority of the time there is no new messages. Yeah, I have friends but I don't have just that one person to count on anymore.

I'm always going, I'm always busy and I really could use to have someone to just talk to for hours until I feel better. BUT I don't have anyone, so I guess I'm writing here. It's not the same though. A computer just isn't the same as a person.

You know, many people probably think I'm fake. I even said how I hate people who think they're perfect, of course I know I'm not perfect but I try to be. I act like I am sometimes. I bet I'm really hated. Isn't that great to know? I need to get a better attitude, I need to be happier. I should be happy and at brief times I will be. But it never lasts long, I always go back to being my pessimistic self.

I wrote that part of the post earlier and I just came back to it. I'm just such a negative person. I am always in a bad mood. When is this going to end? When am I going to be happy for more than like an hour?

 I'm sick of being upset. I just want to be happy.

Dear friends,

This is a blog. It's putting yourself out there for all the world to see. The whole Internet can read my thoughts and goals and know what's going on in my life. So why am I so bothered that my friends read it? Why do I care if they know how I'm feeling?

Because you know what? If I want you to know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking I'd rather tell you than have you read it here. You're my friends and I personally tell you stuff so why do you have to read about me here?
I don't care if random strangers read this because I'll never know them. I don't have to worry about a random stranger judging me secretly. I don't have to worry about offending a random stranger when I write here because I'll never meet them. But I see you guys almost everyday. Isn't that enough?
I've told you all to stop and obviously I have no control over whether you read this or not but I am asking one last time. Will you stop? Will you give me my privacy here?
I guess I'll never really know what you choose to do and I'll never really be able to tell if you read this or any future post but I'm hoping you respect me enough to stop.
Thankyou.

:D

Nothing is better than going shopping with mommy then spending the night with friends :)

The Lazy Song

Isn't the point of having multiple radio stations so that when a song comes on you don't like you can go go another station and hear something else?
Well 104 and 105 seam to think everyone wants to hear the lazy song all the time. It is ALWAYS on. And tonight it was on both stations. I hate that song.

PRINCESS

Don't you just LOVE when you get mail?!

Guess what came today... My homecoming dress! :) Of course I ran upstairs and tried it on. I feel like a PRINCESS in my dress. It's pink and girly and puffy... Definitely sounds like a princess right?!

All girls are PRINCESSES. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, smart, or young. They're still PRINCESSES.

Well already, I feel like school has become repetitive. NV is great but school-school is boring. I think I will do well in college because I do better when I am independent and in discussions. That's how I learn. Homecoming is not this weekend but next..does that make sense? Anyways I'm really excited. I've never been in the parade with my friends because of cheer in the past, and this year I am gonna be with my friends. And then the dance will be fun because I'm gonna be all pretty and such in my amazing dress :) BUT afterwards is what I am looking forward to- me and my friends are going to go out to eat at Denny's in our dresses! I've always wanted to go out after a dance but never had because of rides and the driving situation wouldn't ever really allow it. But we are seniors and we all drive. This is gonna be a fun year!!

I am trying to just take each day as it goes. Of course I do homework ahead of time [hmm... I should probably do homework right now instead of this...] but I try not to plan too much for the (near) future. I think spur of the moment plans often turn out to be funner! Also I'm trying not to think too much about next year. I am really hoping I get into BYU Provo. I talk to Misa and just picture myself there next year. I know that I will love it. But what if I don't get in? I really do NOT want to set myself up for disappointment. I really need to stop being a pessimist.

well after this random blog about nothingness I am off to more homework.

Pessamist? Perfectionist?

I'm happy. I'm having fun. I'm having fun with old friends but making new ones too. I'm learning so much through NV. I'm doing well at managing my time and homework.

so WHY am I scared?

because nothing ever stays good like this for long. Is that just the pessamist in me? Or do you agree? There are always bumps in the road; there has to be! We are on this earth to be tested by God and what kind of test would this be if it wasn't hard?

I read over my goals for this school year... I'm already slacking. Why am I so incapable of reading my scriptures for 21 days in a row? Why do I always forget to pray? How come i'm always to upset when my parents ask me to do simple chores? I realize that I am not perfect. BUT I WANT TO BE.i strive towards being perfect everyday. However unrealistic that may seam, I do. I figure- even if I don't acheive perfection by striving towards it I'll come close...right?

Tuesdays With Morrie

Am I a nerd for liking  a book I read for school? For NV we have a book report due tomorrow; I just finished mine. We read Tuesdays with Morrie, that is an amazing book. I suggest EVERYONE to read it, it's a very simple read. Morrie is diagnosed with ASL and as his body decays he talks to Mitch about life and death and man-kind. There's so much wisdom to be learned from this true story. Yes it's a true story. Aren't the best books always?

Well as always, I am swamped with school work. Between NV and APBIO I am dying. My APBIO teacher was NOT kidding when she said 2 hours a night on homework. And that alone is a killer class but then I include NV? Like I ADORE NV and all the girls in my class. And most the work we do is really interesting, but it is a lot of outside class work. A lot of chapter reading and worksheets. My math class is easy at least :) My teacher seams kind of bipolar though, I haven't learned his sarcasm yet so I never know when he is joke screaming or actually angry screaming... It's a little scary but I know I'll get used to it.

So I decided, or well I realized, that I am supposed to go on a mission. The other day in my school blessing from my dad I realized that I am meant to go on one when I am 21. It's kind of a scary thing-going somewhere where you know no one and talking to random strangers until you find the right one? The one who needed you? But also it's very encouraging, to make me want to be good and learn and choose the right. You know I see all my friends struggle with having to find colleges and figure out what they want to do with their life as in a career. And I see myself and I've got it figured out for the most part, and I thank that to the church and this amazing gospel. It provides so much direction and such a great plan for life. My life is definitely easier because of the gospel.

I am eternally grateful for it.

Well time for more homework. This is going to be a study-filled school year...

First Last Day of High school

First real day of school. First day of senior year. First last day of high school. I was so excited. Now I don't know why.  I love New Visions and being at the hospital is so fun. But having to go to real school after that (even if its just for 3 periods) its really hard. I just do not want to be there. Senioritis?? Just a bit. First day.

My teacher in AP BIO is crazy. She gave us a ton of homework the first night, and didn't explain it at all. Just said "49.1-49.3" and gave us the booklet to fill out. We don't have textbooks yet so I don't know how we are supposed to fill this out. I emailed my teacher but she has yet to respond and it's been an hour. And I kinda need to do this soon... That's another thing- we have to buy our own textbook even though there's a full class set. They are 150 bucks. My parents are not happy. I'm not either. Like doesn't she realize how our town just went through a flood and most people probably can't pay that? She should just let us use the class set. My math teacher seamed less than thrilled to have us there and seamed pretty upset when he realized how many people were taking Pre-Calc. Yes true, it is an Honors class, and yes true, there are numerous people I saw in the class that should NOT be there but as a teacher aren't you supposed to be open to teaching all? And shouldn't you be excited to teach kids who want to be there in the class? We all had a choice to be in this class so shouldn't that say something? He doesn't care.

So basically? I hate regular high school. I don't know what I'd do if I was there all day. I probably wouldn't go.

What I think I hate most about school is how we are treated like kids. And yes I get that we are and that I am one still but I like how in New Visions we are treated as adults. I like that responsibility. I like how at hospitals people believe that I am either a Med Student or even a Nurse. I feel older and I like that. I hate being treated as a kid. Plus at NV I learn so much more. And what I'm learning there is stuff I'll actually use. And it's something I enjoy. This year is going to go by slow if school is like this everyday.


So much for a good last first day of high school. I just feel like it's going to be a long year. Yeah, I am excited for NV but real school is going to suck. Also, I have come home and I have so much homework, church, a headache, and I've already cried twice today. And none of my family is home. I probably will not see my mom until about 9 pm. At which point I'll be in my room probably. Furthermore on the disappointment since my family is all out busy that means I will not have a good dinner tonight.
What a great way to start off the school year.

Goal Time

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grateful

I have so much to be grateful for today. I'm grateful that my family has not been affected by the huge flood in my area. I am grateful that no one I knew died 10 years ago. In fact I havn't had anyone close to me die. I'm grateful that I have such loving parents who do ANYTHING for me. My parents have stayed in the area for the past few years just because of me and my friends. It has been hard on my dad to commute so far for work but he has done so to make me happy. I can tell things are harder now. My parents apply to hundreds of jobs every week for my dad. My mom wants to leave this town so badly. But they stay here for me. I love my parents so much and they give up so much for me.
Last sunday my sunday school teacher said something and I've thought about it alot. So basicly the first 20 years of our lives we learn to accept the love people give to us. Sure, we may love our parents and maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend. But do we really know what love is? Can you give a definition of love? I bet you cant. I couldnt. Well anyways the second part of our lives (the second set of 20 years) is when we start families and that is when we learn to love. My teacher is young and has 2 twin girls that are probably 2 or 3 years old. He said he thought he knew what love was. He thought when he was younger he loved his parents but the way he loves his daughters is so different. So the second part of our lives is where we learn to love others, we learn to REALLY sacrifice ourselves for our kids. I can feel my parents love for me, my dad didn't accept a job offer in Washington State (across the country) and I know it is because he doesn't want to move me or leave me.
Well like I said, there was a big flood in my area. It was on national news if you are curious. This isn't the first time it has flooded like this, back in 2006 we had a flood that left the area in a similar state. Thousands of people are in shelters and their stuff is ruined. I feel so badly for these people but I don't know how to help. I have a friend and he has been out every day since the flooding started helping people. He is gone all day from 8 in the morning till 8 at night just helping. He went in the nasty water to help get peoples valuables out of their flooded houses. He has been in grocery stores helping clean and discard ruined food. He has been cleaning the town. I dont think he realizes how much his example is to me. Never would I think that he would be an example to me. But right now he is. He is serving so much. It makes me want to serve I just dont know where to start. So many people are homeless because of this flood. People's clothing is ruined. School hasn't started in my area it was suposed to last week but because of the flooding it was delayed. So many people in my school are going to not have new school clothes because they got ruined in the flood. All their clothes got ruined. I couldn't imagine that.
Well today is 9/11. This morning my mom had the news on while she was getting ready for church. My brother started asking questions about it. He is 9 and was not alive when this happened. He doesn't really know what it was. We tried to explain how these bad guys who hated America decided to crash airplanes into some of the most important buildings in New York. We said how these terrorists killed the pilots and flight attendents and crashed the planes. He simply asked in return after me and my mom tried to explain it "so how come they did that? didn't they die too? isn't it just pointless?" Isn't that everyone's question? Why would you die for something like this? But my question is how could you hate someone or something so much that you just wanted to die to see it end?? How is there that much hatred?
Well I am very grateful for alot today. I'm also grateful my dad was not in those planes. My dad has been a flight attended since I was about 2 years old. I often got scared something would happen to him. He retired from the airlines this past summer. I am grateful for how much my parents love me and how much they sacrifice so that I am happy. I am grateful that my house was not affected by the flood. I hope that I find a way to serve those during this time of need. But mostly I hope that things go back to normal. I can tell these  are the last days though and things are only going to get worse.

“When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better.” C.S. Lewis