CRASH.

I don't know what happened. All the sudden I feel myself swerving across the road. I checked my rear view mirror and made sure no cars were coming and I fixed myself and was going straight again. Then CRASH. I hit the guard rail. And I feel myself swerving across the road again. And I see a driveway and I aim there. I stop there. And I sit. Like did this really just happen? Did I really just hit the rail? Is my truck okay? But I was going slow and I wasn't texting and the radio wasn't even on. How did this happen.I've sat home all day and I know the only issue was the roads weren't clear enough for me to be going 40. And any given day 40 is slow. The speed limit is 45. But this morning 40 wasn't slow enough. And that is my fault. This is all my fault. And I can't fix it. I can't offer to help pay to fix it because I have no money really. There's nothing for me to do now. And I hate being useless. I'm scared to drive tomorrow. I know it was just one of those things that rarely happen but I'm still scared. And I guess I don't have to. Everyone would understand and give me rides for the next few days. But if I wait I'm just gonna get more scared. I'm scared.

I want a boy. I want lots of boys. I want to have fun and like one boy this week and another next week. I want flirting and fun and casual. And all I have it a fantasy crush with a hott attractive boy and a dumb crush on my best guy friend. A hott boy who has hardly said 50 words to me all school year. A guy friend who has flat out said he does not feel that way towards me nor will he ever. Like I am attractive right? I do consider myself pretty and smart and I think I'm easy to talk to. How come no one likes me?????? I put myself out there and I'll basically like anyone who gives me the time of day. I'm pretty easy-so come to me. Like me. ME. But really I don't want one boy. I want crushes and fun dates and easy. But that doesn't exist now does it. Nope. Blahhh. I've done nothing but sit around today and sulk and watch Grey's anatomy. And I've thought about how much I want a boy to like me and compliment me. And I realize this is completely shallow but it's easy. I need easy. Simple. Why does everything with me have to be complicated?