I need to...

I need to apply for scholarships.
I need to find a prom dress.
I need to find a winter prince dress.
I need to find a winter weekend outfit. Make that three.
I need to clean my room.
I need to get an AP BIO prep book.
I need to study for AP BIO test.
I need to paint my nails.
I need to gain courage to ask HIM out.
I need to start running again.
I need to apply for jobs.
I need to hem 2 pairs of pants.
I need to catch up on YouTube videos.
I need to have fun.

Jacob

I love spending nights with my brother. He makes me smile and laugh. I love teaching him new things like how to draw a star using the A method. I like helping him with his homework. I like being his older sister and having him look up to me. I want to be a good example to him, he has Brit yeah but he doesn't see her as much. I'm apart of his everyday life and I can influence him today and tomorrow and the next. I know he copies just about everything I do- especially if it's bad. If I talk back to our dad guarantee he is going to as well. If I hug my mom when she get home he has to too. I get frustrated with him of course, he's nine and enjoys teasing me. Don't all nine year olds do that though? I really like my brother and I know I got a good one. I like our gap in age because I get to see the precious kid moments from a different view. Seeing him win first place in a pinewood derby is a great feeling as you see him gain all this confidence. I want him to grow up to be such a great man. I want him to be a gentlemen and hold girls books for them. I want him to open doors. He's going to turn out good because he has our parents. They are great examples to all of us kids. But I want to be another example. He see's me trying hard in school and trying to get into BYU and he asks how hard he's going to have to work to get into BYU himself. He saves every penny he gets for his mission. I can't wait to see him leave for a mission. He's my little bean and I can't wait to see him as a Green Bean (GET IT! SO FUNNY KENDAL) I love him and I love spending nights like tonight with him. Going out to dinner just the two of us is so great. I'm going to miss him next year probably the most.

Queen

I'm going to work hard and study things both spiritual and temporal. I'm going to serve others everyday. I'm going to be the best me I can be. I'm going to be someones queen someday.

This says nothing of importance.

I was watching Jane by Design (yes I am aware this is a totally lame show, but I will continue to watch it anyways) and I'm so jealous of the two main characters friendship. I want a guy best friend who I can be close with and cuddle with. I don't actually need a boyfriend I just need someone to talk to me... I realized I enjoy conversation texting. Some people are functional texters, I am much more a conversationalist. And it sucks that not many people are. It makes me lonely a lot.

I really wish this one boy would like me. (Isn't it great how I just said I don't need a boyfriend yet I care so much if he likes me.) I stress out so much over him and then I hardly talk face to face. I hate myself a lot for this. Yes, I saw him today. But that's about it- saw. I honestly don't know if we talked at all. I'm upset but like what would I have said? I need to learn to talk in person. Especially before college. I hope I get into BYU. Everyone keeps saying "you'll get in don't worry." But I am extremely worried. I'm fearing what will happen next year. I know I am very much a live in the moment type of person but it's already the end of January. This is my senior year and it has flown by. And I feel like I just keep thinking about next year or the next activity. I want to be excited for now and do great things now.

How can I change my attitude? Any suggestions? 

About my wish list...

You know I really love this Wish List thing I added to my blog. Since I'm always looking online at stuff I may as well post what I want. Except it makes me want stuff even more than usual because I see the things more often. I WISH I HAD A NEVER ENDING SUPPLY OF MONEY. I wish I could exclusively shop at J. Crew and Ralph Lauren. Honestly I have yet to find anything of either of those brands that I wouldn't wear... I'm trying to put basics on my Wish List and not just every shirt or blazer I see. If I put every item of clothing the page would be over flowing. I hate that I have expensive style. I bet my parents do too...

It's going to be a long week.

I woke up and hit my snooze alarm about 100 times. Then finally as I started getting ready for school I remember "OH CRAP I DIDN'T DO MY POST ROTATION" and of course I then proceeded to hyperventilate. I ran to the computer and did it of course but that led to me doing a super sucky job because it was already 7 and I'm supposed to leave at 735. I finished a crappy report at 723 and then put on mascara and went to leave, but hey! my dad isn't back from work with my truck yet. JOY! But it turned out good because I had ALSO forgotten to print out my TPE. This morning was a freaking mess basically. In addition to this the truck was out of windshield wiper fluid. And the windshield was pure dirt and I could hardly see. In new visions we learned about self-defense. I took a mental nap and tried to think about why HE doesn't like me. I'm smart, pretty, and pretty dang Mormon. He's a super nerd and not the most attractive boy. WHY DOESN'T HE LIKE ME. I know that seams so vain and horrible but I can't see it. Well I went out to lunch with Amy and Sara. We got Thia food, it was super yummy. I was starving by lunch time because due to my crap morning I didn't eat breakfast. On my way back to school it started to rain, but just lightly. Now you would think rain would be good for a dirty windshield. WRONG. It made things 100x worse and more blurry. It seriously became a hazard and I wanted to pull over. But I made it to school. And it started raining harder so my windshield did get cleaned by the time I had to go home. At school we were like 10 minutes late but we walk to bio to find the class standing outside. Ha, that class is such a joke. We spend the first 20 minutes of a 40 minute class standing in the hallway. The other 20 I spent picking out what I want for lunch tomorrow. PRODUCTIVE. I actually understand what I did in math today, I mean sure it's stuff from last year but hey, I feel smart. Tonight is T.V. night. Pretty pumped. Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game, Gossip Girls, Hart of Dixie. 4 hours of TV. My mom is making a yummy dinner. And for dessert she said shes making a smoothie. Today may have started off pretty crappy but it looks like it's gonna end nicely. All my friends are going on cruises over spring break. My family is planning to too. I really want to go on one with them but my family is definitely going to go out of PR. I wanna be with friends! OH! GREAT NEWS! There is an Ulta opening up in town soon! So excited. SO excited lol. Like that may be the best thing I've heard since I've been born. All I need now is a Nordstrom with cafe and I'd be set in this town. I keep looking online for clothes. I need a Winter Prince dress, a Prom dress, and I want a new skirt for Winter Weekend. And of course I have a really picky style so it's the hardest thing to find clothing. Man it's only Monday. This is going to be a long week. I'm looking forward to the temple trip Saturday. Like one- it's the temple and I always love going :) and two- almost all my church friends will be there. It's going to be a long week. If you've read all this props to you. I'm such a rambler!

Song of my life.

I need you to need me.

I'd love you to love me.

I'm beggin you to beg me.

I want you to want me.

I need you to need me.

I'd love you to love me.

I want you to want me.

What am I gonna do with Myself?

I want a love that's meant for a movie. I've watched the cutest movies all day and I am longing for a romance. I want a boy to go out of their way for me, I want to be left speechless because of a boy. I want some grand gesture to be done for me. I want to be asked to prom by having someone being clever and doing something like decorating my car asking or mailing a letter with a ticket or having it announced over the radio. Just something big that I could tell kids. I want that so badly. I want to know that someone thinks I'm worth spending that much thought over. But instead I'm left waiting alone. And I can be alone, I don't need a boy to make me happy. I thought I did, but I've grown and I have gained confidence in myself. And I do not need a boy. I know the differences between needs and wants. And I'd rather have my needs fulfilled than my wants. But I want this. So badly. This is my senior year and I've been so busy with newvisions and school and church. And I've been hanging with friends. And trying to make the most out of my year. And I don't need a boy to make things better. But all I can think about is how I want one. Dumb romantic movies. They always put me in this mood. What sucks is I know I will never have that Nicholas Sparks love. I'll never have a love that's worth retelling. I bet I'll never even have a single night in my life worth retelling. I'm going to live a great and happy life but it won't be one that's for the books. And I know how unrealistic it is wanting a life that's so make believe but gosh, it's all I can think about today. I want to look perfect always, dress perfect, and just be perfect. People say it's bad trying to be perfect, but that's what I strive for in my life. If I strive towards perfection I figure I'll get pretty close. So if I strive for the perfect movie love then hopefully I'll get close to it. But when is this going to happen? Being alone sucks sometimes. And it's great others. I wish I was just always happy and content. I know my life is a lot better than most and complaining is probably a horrible thing to do. But I am a complainer. Mr. Holmberg could testify to the world that I am. Just because I complain doesn't mean that I am ungrateful for everything I have. It's just what I do when I'm bored or don't know what else to say. I like to talk, I'm not the best in quiet situations. Quiet often makes me feel awkward. Therefore I talk, and when I run out of stuff to say I complain about everything under the sun. Therefore I am complaining now that I don't have a boy. But if I had one I'd probably complain too.

What am I gonna do with myself?

This is it.

My mom told me this morning that I should try to be nicer to my sister. I guess my sister really thinks that I hate her. Wouldn't she be surprised to know how much I envy her. How I get so jealous at the relationship she has with our mom. I want to be nicer to her but I guess I don't know how. Things just happen, and I end up saying bratty stuff. And I regret it afterwords and I try to say sorry. But she often just laughs at me. I get laughed at a lot. I think that's my biggest insecurity. I really hate being laughed at by my family. I can handle it by friends because I often cause the laughter. With family I never do anything to be funny, yet they laugh anyways. I wish this could change. I'm not in the best mood today though so sorry for the short blog. This is all I got in me.

OMG HOW DID I FORGET

I SAW TWO C-SECTIONS THIS MORNING! IT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND I LOVED EVERY MINUTE. I cannot wait till I can be the one above that operating table and cut open a women to deliver her baby. During both births I could see myself being there. I am so grateful for the New Visions program. I am grateful that I was able to see this. I still can't believe I got in. It is so selective and I got in. The instructors can see something in me, something that will drive me to becoming a doctor. I love learning about the body and how everything works. I love being in hospitals more than being at home. There is so much I can learn in a hospital and I'm rarely bored. Some girls complain saying certain rotations are boring but I still get excited every Tuesday morning. I look forward to seeing something new. And maybe there may not being something super hands on exciting in a rotation but everything is important. I still can't believe I saw two babies being born today. I wish I could have see a vaginal birth but I can't really make women go into labor any faster. Plus being in the OR, even if it is for births, is super exhilarating. I get chills in there, partially because they keep those places FREEZING but partially because so much goes on. If OB/GYN doesn't work out then I want to find a career where I can be in an OR. That would be so different every day, and so fun each day. But I think I would like working with moms more. And bringing life into the world. It's just so cool how a person can grow inside another person!! And they come out all little and cute and crying. I loved hearing the cry when the baby first came out. I won't forget that. It was so amazing to see life in it's first seconds. I can't believe I forgot to blog this earlier!

This doesn't say anything interesting but read it anyways!

I just did my daily read through of the blogs I follow. That always makes me wanna blog. And I want to now. Except I have nothing to say really. Ski club was canceled for tomorrow. I was looking forward to it but there were other plans tomorrow night I can go to instead. I love that I have stuff to do so often. I love being busy... well when it's fun stuff :) I had a busy night and ended up skipping volunteering and zumba. Kind of bummed about that but I had homework. And homework does have to come first. I really was looking forward to zumba too. I really want to start exercising. I need to exercise. If I gain the habit of exercise now then when I get to BYU next year I'll do it regularly. And therefore I will not gain freshman 15. Except for me it will be like freshman 50. I like exercise while I'm doing it... it's just the matter of starting to do it. Yeah well I guess that's all I have to say. Have a good night...or morning. I guess it depends on when you are reading this!

She.

I'm only ever like this when she's home. My mom and her are closer and they talk better and can hang out. And I get so jealous when she's home. And when she teases me my mom will laugh along at me. I try to be strong and ignore it but I can't always. It really gets to me. I love her but I'm jealous of her and my moms relationship and I hate how I'm always a third wheel. It's always been like this. It's never gonna change. And I hate it. I like it better when she's across the country. She brings out the worst in me and I can't help it. I don't know why I get excited that she is coming ever because it's always like this. It always ends in me leaving crying. And my mom and her come in 10 minutes later giving me the pity sorry. I hate this.

My Nails

I'll pick one nail each month and stop biting it. And every month pick a new one that I also won't bite. In 10 months hopefully I will have kicked the habit. It's too hard to just stop cold turkey. But limiting which fingers I bite I think I can do. I know I can. And if I don't break it with a certain nail one month I have 2 extra months to try again. I'm already do pretty good with my first nail. It's my ring finger on my right hand. I'm gonna stop this habit. This year.

Happy

I'm happy. I love hanging out with friends and going to school and church and I really enjoy my life right now. There arn't any people causing extreme drama. Everything is going so well. I'm happy. Me and Jess went to bubble tea after school. I particially asked to go because I knew she'd drive me home after but also I asked because I miss seeing her. I see everyone else throughout the day even though I'm only in school for 3 or 4 periods. But I only see Jess every other day. It makes me sad but also now when I do sit and talk with Jess we have alot to talk about. Being with Jess makes me happy. I think Jessica is alot stronger than she thinks she is. I see something in her that she deffinetly does not see in herself. I think she would really benifit from learning about my church. I know she thinks it's a joke but I know it would help her. I think the gospel would make her happy. Jess questions stuff alot, and my church has answers to her questions. If she'd take it seriously I'd invite her. But I know you are reading this Jessums so if you wanna come just say the word. But I think she will turn out as a great person with or without the gospel in her life. She's very caring and that will always go far. In today's world it's a rare trait therefore it means alot more. There was alot more I wanted to say but I'm not in the mood to blog anymore. I feel like watching TV and wasting away my brain. I love fridays.

New Years Day

It's the start of a new year. But it's not just any year. It's Two Thousand and Twelve. 2012 BABY. It's the year I thought would never come. My prom is this year. I'm graduating this year. I'm starting college this year. Two things I've looked forward to these things since I was about 10 years old. And it's here. I normally am not one to get my hopes up but I am now. I have high hopes for 2012. I can feel it. It's going to be a good year. And since it's the start of a new year it means the start of new goals. My goals this year are pretty similar to every other year. And I wanna say "I'm actually going to do them this time though." I have reason explaining why I've chosen each goal of mine this year though. I've put thought into them- making sure each goal is realistic and worthy of spending my energy on. I feel though the goals I have made for 2012 are realistic but also necessary for me to do.

"When you set a goal and commit yourself to the necessary self-discipline to reach that goal, you will eliminate most of the problems in your life. Spend your energies doing those things that will make a difference.We have to have faith. We have to have faith in God. We have to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. And oh, how desperately we have to have faith in ourselves."
Elder M. Russell Ballard

GOALS

Pray at least 2x daily. I want to be closer to God and be able to rely on Him. I know I trust prayer and I know how important it is but I want to routinely pray. I want to thank God in my prayers more. I want to express my gratitude for all the blessings in my life.
Stop biting my nails. Now this is of course a physical goal. And in the long run I understand physical goals are not as important as mental and spiritual goals. But year after year of putting this down on my list of resolutions for the year this is now ever more important. I think achieving this goal will prove to myself I can do anything when I set my mind to it. I know that I probably can, but I want to prove it to myself this year. I want to stop this horrible nasty habit.
Improve my scripture study. Year after year I put down "read scriptures daily." And I have not ever met this goal. So I'm not putting it down. I'm tired of putting down the same goals and not achieving them. Instead I decided I'd rather change the way I read. Instead of reading I want to study the words of God. I want to learn how I can apply everything to my life. I want to know the stories like I know Harry Potter. And while this could come through daily scripture reading I think it can also come through diligent regular study. And I feel as though I am more likely to achieve this. I think at least weekly I'd like to really study the scriptures and learn something new. I am trying to set realistic goals, they may not be perfect but it's what I think I can handle.
Stop caring what others think of my appearance. Instead of getting dressed in the morning for others I want to get dressed for me. I want to get ready so that I feel good about myself. I want to stop putting cute outfits together and doing my makeup and hair so that others compliment me. This kind of goes along with me wanting to stop needing compliments. I concider myself a confident person but then I realize how much I depend on others to compliment me, even the little "I like your makeup today" makes a difference to me for a week. I want to not care so much about what others think and instead be happy with how I look for myself. I want to please myself more.

Now that's only 4 goals. In years past I will make a resolution list of like 15 things, and I am lucky if I get 2 or 3. This year I didn't make many. But I put thought into each one, and how I can do them. I think that's an important part of making New Years Resolutions. I think you need to really figure out what you want to change about yourself. Then you need to make a plan. And you need to have a checkpoint in your plan to make sure you are on track. I have it all set. And I'm going to change this year. I'm going to achieve what I set. It's 2012. It's the year I've been looking forward to since forever. I'm ready to make it a great year and part of that will be achieving the goals I set for myself today.