Rain rain go away

I hate rain. I do not find it soothing. I find it annoying and loud. I've had a crap day and I can't even fall asleep becase the dumb loud rain. All I want to do is cry (which I can't I've tried I just can't even do that) or sleep (and due to rain I can't do this either). Why does it always seam to rain on my down days too? The days I need the sunshine it rains. Welcome to NY.

This week is lasting way too long and I'm way to depressed to have it continue. If tomorrow isn't better I'm gonna break down. I feel it coming. I just need to vent and cry until I feel better but I have no one to do this with. So it's just getting worse.

Wow the rain just got even heavier. I just want quiet to fall asleep.
Please.....

HateHappy

I know it's wrong to hate people. But there are some people I really cannot stand. They're people who think they are perfect, and I hate them. They're people who are lazy and don't try, I hate them too. They're are people who do mean stuff just to get a rise out of others, I hate them. They're people who don't try at all and yet receive everything, I especially hate them.

I feel like I try really hard to get everything I have. I definitely do not get good grades by doing nothing, I study. A LOT. Even though I always act like I don't. I act like this all comes easily. What crap right? Well I also try to act like I don't put effort into my appearance. I act like it takes 5 minutes to curl my hair in the morning-yeah more like 20. Yet I do it every day because I want to look pretty and perfect. Mostly, I act like I'm happy and independent. Truth is? I'm scared, sad, and lonely. I hate how when I look at my phone majority of the time there is no new messages. Yeah, I have friends but I don't have just that one person to count on anymore.

I'm always going, I'm always busy and I really could use to have someone to just talk to for hours until I feel better. BUT I don't have anyone, so I guess I'm writing here. It's not the same though. A computer just isn't the same as a person.

You know, many people probably think I'm fake. I even said how I hate people who think they're perfect, of course I know I'm not perfect but I try to be. I act like I am sometimes. I bet I'm really hated. Isn't that great to know? I need to get a better attitude, I need to be happier. I should be happy and at brief times I will be. But it never lasts long, I always go back to being my pessimistic self.

I wrote that part of the post earlier and I just came back to it. I'm just such a negative person. I am always in a bad mood. When is this going to end? When am I going to be happy for more than like an hour?

 I'm sick of being upset. I just want to be happy.

Dear friends,

This is a blog. It's putting yourself out there for all the world to see. The whole Internet can read my thoughts and goals and know what's going on in my life. So why am I so bothered that my friends read it? Why do I care if they know how I'm feeling?

Because you know what? If I want you to know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking I'd rather tell you than have you read it here. You're my friends and I personally tell you stuff so why do you have to read about me here?
I don't care if random strangers read this because I'll never know them. I don't have to worry about a random stranger judging me secretly. I don't have to worry about offending a random stranger when I write here because I'll never meet them. But I see you guys almost everyday. Isn't that enough?
I've told you all to stop and obviously I have no control over whether you read this or not but I am asking one last time. Will you stop? Will you give me my privacy here?
I guess I'll never really know what you choose to do and I'll never really be able to tell if you read this or any future post but I'm hoping you respect me enough to stop.
Thankyou.

:D

Nothing is better than going shopping with mommy then spending the night with friends :)

The Lazy Song

Isn't the point of having multiple radio stations so that when a song comes on you don't like you can go go another station and hear something else?
Well 104 and 105 seam to think everyone wants to hear the lazy song all the time. It is ALWAYS on. And tonight it was on both stations. I hate that song.

PRINCESS

Don't you just LOVE when you get mail?!

Guess what came today... My homecoming dress! :) Of course I ran upstairs and tried it on. I feel like a PRINCESS in my dress. It's pink and girly and puffy... Definitely sounds like a princess right?!

All girls are PRINCESSES. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, smart, or young. They're still PRINCESSES.

Well already, I feel like school has become repetitive. NV is great but school-school is boring. I think I will do well in college because I do better when I am independent and in discussions. That's how I learn. Homecoming is not this weekend but next..does that make sense? Anyways I'm really excited. I've never been in the parade with my friends because of cheer in the past, and this year I am gonna be with my friends. And then the dance will be fun because I'm gonna be all pretty and such in my amazing dress :) BUT afterwards is what I am looking forward to- me and my friends are going to go out to eat at Denny's in our dresses! I've always wanted to go out after a dance but never had because of rides and the driving situation wouldn't ever really allow it. But we are seniors and we all drive. This is gonna be a fun year!!

I am trying to just take each day as it goes. Of course I do homework ahead of time [hmm... I should probably do homework right now instead of this...] but I try not to plan too much for the (near) future. I think spur of the moment plans often turn out to be funner! Also I'm trying not to think too much about next year. I am really hoping I get into BYU Provo. I talk to Misa and just picture myself there next year. I know that I will love it. But what if I don't get in? I really do NOT want to set myself up for disappointment. I really need to stop being a pessimist.

well after this random blog about nothingness I am off to more homework.

Pessamist? Perfectionist?

I'm happy. I'm having fun. I'm having fun with old friends but making new ones too. I'm learning so much through NV. I'm doing well at managing my time and homework.

so WHY am I scared?

because nothing ever stays good like this for long. Is that just the pessamist in me? Or do you agree? There are always bumps in the road; there has to be! We are on this earth to be tested by God and what kind of test would this be if it wasn't hard?

I read over my goals for this school year... I'm already slacking. Why am I so incapable of reading my scriptures for 21 days in a row? Why do I always forget to pray? How come i'm always to upset when my parents ask me to do simple chores? I realize that I am not perfect. BUT I WANT TO BE.i strive towards being perfect everyday. However unrealistic that may seam, I do. I figure- even if I don't acheive perfection by striving towards it I'll come close...right?

Tuesdays With Morrie

Am I a nerd for liking  a book I read for school? For NV we have a book report due tomorrow; I just finished mine. We read Tuesdays with Morrie, that is an amazing book. I suggest EVERYONE to read it, it's a very simple read. Morrie is diagnosed with ASL and as his body decays he talks to Mitch about life and death and man-kind. There's so much wisdom to be learned from this true story. Yes it's a true story. Aren't the best books always?

Well as always, I am swamped with school work. Between NV and APBIO I am dying. My APBIO teacher was NOT kidding when she said 2 hours a night on homework. And that alone is a killer class but then I include NV? Like I ADORE NV and all the girls in my class. And most the work we do is really interesting, but it is a lot of outside class work. A lot of chapter reading and worksheets. My math class is easy at least :) My teacher seams kind of bipolar though, I haven't learned his sarcasm yet so I never know when he is joke screaming or actually angry screaming... It's a little scary but I know I'll get used to it.

So I decided, or well I realized, that I am supposed to go on a mission. The other day in my school blessing from my dad I realized that I am meant to go on one when I am 21. It's kind of a scary thing-going somewhere where you know no one and talking to random strangers until you find the right one? The one who needed you? But also it's very encouraging, to make me want to be good and learn and choose the right. You know I see all my friends struggle with having to find colleges and figure out what they want to do with their life as in a career. And I see myself and I've got it figured out for the most part, and I thank that to the church and this amazing gospel. It provides so much direction and such a great plan for life. My life is definitely easier because of the gospel.

I am eternally grateful for it.

Well time for more homework. This is going to be a study-filled school year...

First Last Day of High school

First real day of school. First day of senior year. First last day of high school. I was so excited. Now I don't know why.  I love New Visions and being at the hospital is so fun. But having to go to real school after that (even if its just for 3 periods) its really hard. I just do not want to be there. Senioritis?? Just a bit. First day.

My teacher in AP BIO is crazy. She gave us a ton of homework the first night, and didn't explain it at all. Just said "49.1-49.3" and gave us the booklet to fill out. We don't have textbooks yet so I don't know how we are supposed to fill this out. I emailed my teacher but she has yet to respond and it's been an hour. And I kinda need to do this soon... That's another thing- we have to buy our own textbook even though there's a full class set. They are 150 bucks. My parents are not happy. I'm not either. Like doesn't she realize how our town just went through a flood and most people probably can't pay that? She should just let us use the class set. My math teacher seamed less than thrilled to have us there and seamed pretty upset when he realized how many people were taking Pre-Calc. Yes true, it is an Honors class, and yes true, there are numerous people I saw in the class that should NOT be there but as a teacher aren't you supposed to be open to teaching all? And shouldn't you be excited to teach kids who want to be there in the class? We all had a choice to be in this class so shouldn't that say something? He doesn't care.

So basically? I hate regular high school. I don't know what I'd do if I was there all day. I probably wouldn't go.

What I think I hate most about school is how we are treated like kids. And yes I get that we are and that I am one still but I like how in New Visions we are treated as adults. I like that responsibility. I like how at hospitals people believe that I am either a Med Student or even a Nurse. I feel older and I like that. I hate being treated as a kid. Plus at NV I learn so much more. And what I'm learning there is stuff I'll actually use. And it's something I enjoy. This year is going to go by slow if school is like this everyday.


So much for a good last first day of high school. I just feel like it's going to be a long year. Yeah, I am excited for NV but real school is going to suck. Also, I have come home and I have so much homework, church, a headache, and I've already cried twice today. And none of my family is home. I probably will not see my mom until about 9 pm. At which point I'll be in my room probably. Furthermore on the disappointment since my family is all out busy that means I will not have a good dinner tonight.
What a great way to start off the school year.

Goal Time

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grateful

I have so much to be grateful for today. I'm grateful that my family has not been affected by the huge flood in my area. I am grateful that no one I knew died 10 years ago. In fact I havn't had anyone close to me die. I'm grateful that I have such loving parents who do ANYTHING for me. My parents have stayed in the area for the past few years just because of me and my friends. It has been hard on my dad to commute so far for work but he has done so to make me happy. I can tell things are harder now. My parents apply to hundreds of jobs every week for my dad. My mom wants to leave this town so badly. But they stay here for me. I love my parents so much and they give up so much for me.
Last sunday my sunday school teacher said something and I've thought about it alot. So basicly the first 20 years of our lives we learn to accept the love people give to us. Sure, we may love our parents and maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend. But do we really know what love is? Can you give a definition of love? I bet you cant. I couldnt. Well anyways the second part of our lives (the second set of 20 years) is when we start families and that is when we learn to love. My teacher is young and has 2 twin girls that are probably 2 or 3 years old. He said he thought he knew what love was. He thought when he was younger he loved his parents but the way he loves his daughters is so different. So the second part of our lives is where we learn to love others, we learn to REALLY sacrifice ourselves for our kids. I can feel my parents love for me, my dad didn't accept a job offer in Washington State (across the country) and I know it is because he doesn't want to move me or leave me.
Well like I said, there was a big flood in my area. It was on national news if you are curious. This isn't the first time it has flooded like this, back in 2006 we had a flood that left the area in a similar state. Thousands of people are in shelters and their stuff is ruined. I feel so badly for these people but I don't know how to help. I have a friend and he has been out every day since the flooding started helping people. He is gone all day from 8 in the morning till 8 at night just helping. He went in the nasty water to help get peoples valuables out of their flooded houses. He has been in grocery stores helping clean and discard ruined food. He has been cleaning the town. I dont think he realizes how much his example is to me. Never would I think that he would be an example to me. But right now he is. He is serving so much. It makes me want to serve I just dont know where to start. So many people are homeless because of this flood. People's clothing is ruined. School hasn't started in my area it was suposed to last week but because of the flooding it was delayed. So many people in my school are going to not have new school clothes because they got ruined in the flood. All their clothes got ruined. I couldn't imagine that.
Well today is 9/11. This morning my mom had the news on while she was getting ready for church. My brother started asking questions about it. He is 9 and was not alive when this happened. He doesn't really know what it was. We tried to explain how these bad guys who hated America decided to crash airplanes into some of the most important buildings in New York. We said how these terrorists killed the pilots and flight attendents and crashed the planes. He simply asked in return after me and my mom tried to explain it "so how come they did that? didn't they die too? isn't it just pointless?" Isn't that everyone's question? Why would you die for something like this? But my question is how could you hate someone or something so much that you just wanted to die to see it end?? How is there that much hatred?
Well I am very grateful for alot today. I'm also grateful my dad was not in those planes. My dad has been a flight attended since I was about 2 years old. I often got scared something would happen to him. He retired from the airlines this past summer. I am grateful for how much my parents love me and how much they sacrifice so that I am happy. I am grateful that my house was not affected by the flood. I hope that I find a way to serve those during this time of need. But mostly I hope that things go back to normal. I can tell these  are the last days though and things are only going to get worse.

“When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better.” C.S. Lewis