54%

How much of yourself do you show your peers?

I think when I'm around my family I am much more quiet. I would say I show about 65% of myself to my family. I am the one that is depended upon. I am the hard worker and high achiever. But I am also the quiet one. I also am the crier. I love my family and I know they accept me for everything and anything I am but some times I don't share everything. Whether it's a fight with a friend or a regretted kiss I just don't feel comfortable. I don't want to be teased by them. I really can't handle being teased, especially by those I love. So I think that is why I don't show my family everything. I don't want to be made fun of, even though I know they are doing it out of fun and love I still cannot handle it. 

When I am with my school friends I am anything but quiet. In fact I don't shut up most of the time. I would estimate that I show about 45% of myself to them. I act obnoxious and do just about anything. I often don't think twice when I am around them. That can often cause issues but oh well. The reason it is lower is because I don't get to show my beliefs as much as I wish I could. And my religion is such a big part of me so not being able to really show it all leads to me not being totally myself. I think that percent that I show is my "funner" side. Not my serious side. I wish I could be that but I feel like it's too late in the game to show something new.

When I am with my church friends I think I like myself best. I'm probably 75% around my church friends. If not more. I am able to be obnoxious and loud and crazy but also I can be calm and reverent and serious. And I am accepted either way. My church friends understand all my problems because they have the same ones. I am most similar to them because we have grown up the same. We believe the same stuff. We struggle with the same stuff. I tell them about my mistakes and they help me through. When I am struggling I know I can count on any one of them to give me advice and set me on the straight and narrow again. What I love about them most is how they make me a better person. They encourage me to do the best I can. They encourage me to lean on the Lord. I am grateful to have such great friendships with all of them and I know I will be friends with them for eternity.

Now there is one last side. The side that just me sees. You think it'd be 100% but it isn't. I lie to myself a lot. I am not totally honest with my feelings. I judge myself more than anyone else. I am so critical on my every action. There are some things about my personality and character that I dislike. So I hide those aspects from myself the best I can. I pretend that I don't have confidence issues. I pretend I don't struggle with anxiety. I pretend that I am perfect. I try to be someone I'm not with myself. I try to be so much better than I know I am. I can't be honest with myself because then I have to accept defeat. I have to accept that I am not perfect. That I can't control every aspect of my life. And I can't do that yet. I am trying to. I'm trying to be 100% real with myself but I'm not there yet. I only let myself be 30% of what I really am when I'm alone. When I am around others I let my guard down and am able to express myself more. But when it's just me I need to be careful. I can't give in to every little thought or want. I need to be stronger than that. I am trying to be more real with myself. I am trying to accept that no one is perfect and there are some things that just are. I am not ready to face myself. Not yet.