Happy Leap Day

I hope you spent your extra day wisely! :D

Rain

Rain rain go away. Come again during the day. I can't handle rain at night because then I can't sleep. Some people find rain relaxing. I hate it. It keeps me awake and scared. I think it's loud and annoying. I wish it'd just stop already. I just want to fall asleep!

I'm done. For real.

A good friend would have stopped flirting when I had admitted that I had a crush. I know you were flirty friends before I had a crush on him but you didn't like him and I did. So you should have stopped. All the months of crushing on him has gotten me no where. And I'm just angry at all this. I'm just done. I'm embarrassed that I told you about such little things that excited me- when you were probably being way flirtier. It's not even worth fighting with you over. I'm just embarrassed I wasted so much time.

I love crowds.

Some people are turned away by masses of people - I find it exhilarating. Free pancake day at IHOP is packed. And my family went anyways. It was only a 15 minute wait (in that time I showed my mother the Sexy and I know it music video_she was appalled) so it was definitely worth it. I really do like crowds though. Another example, I love going shopping the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't even buy anything ever I just enjoy being out around a lot of people. It's like the ultimate people watching time. If people watching was a sport I think I'd actually be MVP. People may think I've dazed off but really I'm off listening in on other people and trying to figure out their life. I'm aware it's creepy but it is enjoyable. Try it kay?

Why can't I get over you?

You talk to every girl basically and you flirt with them. Yet when you send as much as a wink face I get over excited and dance around my room. Not to mention when you text me first I freak out in excitement. Why am I so lame. I know you do not like me in the slightest. I have been crushing on you since October. You'd think I'd of given up by now. I'm not normally this dedicated.

I'm tired of looking like an alien everyday.

Being sick sucks. Like having a cold totally just ruins everything. Wearing a semi-cute put together outfit is ruined when your face looks like crap. And to make things worse I still can't wear contacts. I go back to the eye doctor tomorrow I think and hopefully then I'll be able to. My eye still hurts from time to time but that may be from the cold. I just want to start looking like a normal person again and not be all gross and sneezy and look like an alien without makeup. All day it felt like I was forgetting something. That something is my makeup. I don't mind not doing my hair and having messy hair, not putting heat on it gives it a break and it needs that. But my face is decently good when makeup everyday, I don't break out. I just like wearing face makeup because of some discoloration in my face. And mascara makes me feel awake and ready for the day. But since I am sick wearing face makeup is dumb because I wipe my face with a tissue every 3 minutes. Then I can't wear eye makeup (mascara) because I am stuck in my glasses. When I wear mascara with my glasses my eyelashes are too long. Cursed long lashesssss. I'm tired of looking like an alien everyday. I just want to look pretty and be able to get ready. All I want is my cold to go away and my eye to heal. NOW.

54%

How much of yourself do you show your peers?

I think when I'm around my family I am much more quiet. I would say I show about 65% of myself to my family. I am the one that is depended upon. I am the hard worker and high achiever. But I am also the quiet one. I also am the crier. I love my family and I know they accept me for everything and anything I am but some times I don't share everything. Whether it's a fight with a friend or a regretted kiss I just don't feel comfortable. I don't want to be teased by them. I really can't handle being teased, especially by those I love. So I think that is why I don't show my family everything. I don't want to be made fun of, even though I know they are doing it out of fun and love I still cannot handle it. 

When I am with my school friends I am anything but quiet. In fact I don't shut up most of the time. I would estimate that I show about 45% of myself to them. I act obnoxious and do just about anything. I often don't think twice when I am around them. That can often cause issues but oh well. The reason it is lower is because I don't get to show my beliefs as much as I wish I could. And my religion is such a big part of me so not being able to really show it all leads to me not being totally myself. I think that percent that I show is my "funner" side. Not my serious side. I wish I could be that but I feel like it's too late in the game to show something new.

When I am with my church friends I think I like myself best. I'm probably 75% around my church friends. If not more. I am able to be obnoxious and loud and crazy but also I can be calm and reverent and serious. And I am accepted either way. My church friends understand all my problems because they have the same ones. I am most similar to them because we have grown up the same. We believe the same stuff. We struggle with the same stuff. I tell them about my mistakes and they help me through. When I am struggling I know I can count on any one of them to give me advice and set me on the straight and narrow again. What I love about them most is how they make me a better person. They encourage me to do the best I can. They encourage me to lean on the Lord. I am grateful to have such great friendships with all of them and I know I will be friends with them for eternity.

Now there is one last side. The side that just me sees. You think it'd be 100% but it isn't. I lie to myself a lot. I am not totally honest with my feelings. I judge myself more than anyone else. I am so critical on my every action. There are some things about my personality and character that I dislike. So I hide those aspects from myself the best I can. I pretend that I don't have confidence issues. I pretend I don't struggle with anxiety. I pretend that I am perfect. I try to be someone I'm not with myself. I try to be so much better than I know I am. I can't be honest with myself because then I have to accept defeat. I have to accept that I am not perfect. That I can't control every aspect of my life. And I can't do that yet. I am trying to. I'm trying to be 100% real with myself but I'm not there yet. I only let myself be 30% of what I really am when I'm alone. When I am around others I let my guard down and am able to express myself more. But when it's just me I need to be careful. I can't give in to every little thought or want. I need to be stronger than that. I am trying to be more real with myself. I am trying to accept that no one is perfect and there are some things that just are. I am not ready to face myself. Not yet.



Drive By

I adore this song! Like every time I hear it I wanna dance and sing along. Normally after I listen to a song on repeat for a day or two that feeling goes away but this one hasn't! Like when I hear this song I am happy and smile and instantly my day is better for a little bit. It is such a fun song. I'm not totally sure what it means though. Ha isn't that the important part of songs? Not for me though. I'm really only into music for the dance-yness of it. Oh I swear to you I'll be there for you.

Fun.

Well some nights I wish that this all would end cause I could use some friends for a change.

To be honest

I don't like being the way I am. I don't like how I have to basically make my life a joke for you to like me. I never feel accepted or liked when I'm just being calm me. I feel forgotten a lot. I think that's why I tend to plan our hang outs a lot. I don't want to be forgotten when plans are made so I make the plans. I know I annoy you guys but if I don't act obnoxious no one pays attention. I never really have anything to say that's worth anything. When I try to be serious about anything it's taken as a joke. Honestly what about me isn't a joke? You make fun of my family. You make fun of my religion. You make fun of me wanted to be an Ob/Gyn. I hate being teased to be honest. I cry a lot when I go home from hanging with you guys because I just am so upset over how much I get teased. I know I do a lot of things to make you laugh but I feel like if I don't make you laugh I'm just forgotten. And what sucks is I'm not even the "funniest". I'm not the best at anything. In fact I'm probably the most hated. I just can't wait to leave and start new. I'm scared but I need a fresh start. I'm glad I'm going so far. I can't wait to leave.

I'm scared

What if I fail? What if I make no friends? What if I have to mooch off everyone I know already there and just be friends with their friends. How pathetic. I haven't had to make friends since 4th grade so I don't totally know how to. I just want a pretty and fun and girly roommate who is excited and wants to have fun but also knows college is for learning. I have to do well in college. Better than I did in high school. A LOT BETTER. I'm scared for the future.

I'm going to listen.

Everyone and their mother told me to get over you. And I ignored. And I was sad when nothing happened. But I understand. I understand that you can't handle anything more than friends. And I understand that I am not really in the place for anything more either. So I'm going to get over you. And I'm going to be happy with just friends. We are going to be the best friggen friends ever. Because I need you, I need you to make fun of me and to tell me that I'm being a bad person. I need you to keep encouraging me to be the best I can be. I need you to continue being there for me and always responding to me when I am being crazy. I know we won't be more than friends and I'm okay with it. I wish I could have figured this out sooner but hey, I'm always a little behind aren't I?

I just want to leave.

How many days it is till I get to be at BYU? I should really count that down. I think I'm more excited to go out to Utah than I am for my birthday right now. That's freaking crazy. I'm stalking all the cute boys who said they got in on the BYU FB page. There is a lot of them. Legit this is going to be amazing. College is going to be the best. I can't wait for the freedom. Now that I have gotten in though, what do I do for the rest of the school year? Everyday at school I can't think to myself "This may help you get into BYU." but now what do I think? I just want to leave.

BYU

Dear Kendal:

Congratulations! You have been admitted to Brigham Young University to begin Fall 2012. Through your preparation and personal achievements you have distinguished yourself from a very strong group of applicants. We believe you will make a positive contribution to our BYU community. It is a great pleasure to welcome you to our campus to pursue your educational goals.

To secure your admission slot, it is essential for you to read the Frequently Asked Questions located at the link below and follow the instructions in question no. 1 in order to accept your admission opportunity. This link will also provide you with important information regarding scholarships, housing, financial aid, your participation in Freshman Mentoring, etc.

Best wishes as you finish this school year. We trust you to continue to excel in the classroom and to maintain the standards outlined in the University Honor Code. We look forward to having you as a member of our student body.

Warmest regards,

R. Kirk Strong
Director of Admission Services

JOYS

I have a million and one things to do tonight. I have to do PAF homework. I have to do BIO homework. Clean my room. Clean the bathroom. Get my hair done. Paint my nails. Pack for winter weekend. Iron my clothes for winter weekend. Pick up my truck from the shop. Shave my legs for the first time in almost a month. The list could go on and on. But I feel super mega crappy. And I have no motivation. I need to start doing something productive instead of napping. Napping is just making me feel worse. How is that even possible. I'm so excited for winter weekend but I have no motivation and just want to sleep and do nothing that needs to get done. I should get off on blogger and facebook and YouTube and my email and just start checking things off my list. But all I want to do is this. Be lazy. Not do anything that require actual movement. Not do anything that requires actual thought. I really hope this isn't actual sickness and it's just a crappy day sickness. I'm going to stop rambling now. I just thought I showed blog because I hardly ever do. I know I say hardly but in my mind I'd love to blog meaningful blogs every day. But come on- am I really a deep meaningful person? No I am not. Therefore I do not write meaningful posts, I write posts of me complaining. JOYS.

Sunday

Aren't Sundays supposed to be a relaxing day? Because for me it's usually a more stressful one. It's a weekend day so all I want to do is play around on the computer and watch t.v. but instead I always have massive amounts of homework. It really sucks and ruins my weekend a little. I also have started to dread Sunday's after church. It makes me sad that I am a procrastinator. Also Sundays my family always has sit down dinner which is yummy yes but takes forever. And we often have a little family night and read the scriptures for longer than usual on Sundays. Which I know is a good thing but I'm always pressed for time. It's a sucky situation I put myself in every week. I know to change it I could do homework on say Friday's before I go out and have fun but I never want to do that. By Friday I just am so excited I got through another week of torturous school that I don't want anything to do with homework. And doing homework on a Saturday? HA. That will never happen I am not that ambitious. I know I have a big assignment due next Monday and I should really work on it throughout the week because next Sunday I'm going to be dead tired from Winter Weekend. Let's see if I actually do it and not create disaster for next Sunday.

Score for me.

Sometimes procrastinating is the best choice.

For example, me not doing my homework all week has led finding out the teacher decided it was no longer necessary to have it done by Friday. Score for me? I believe so. One point

Another example, I have neglected to clean my room and I have come home to find my mother cleaned it for me. Score for me? That's two points.

Again, I decided to retext (That's my term for when I text someone and they do not respond but I am determined to text them so I retext even if they haven't responded. Don't worry I say something different)  a certain boy in a little bit when I had a bit more time on my hands. And he texts me back first. Legit, slam dunk score for me. That's like a 1000 points.

Drama

I enjoy drama. And lately there is none. No drama. No excitement. Nothing. Just boring old everyone gets alongness. HOW LAME. I want something to mix things up. I want change. I need change. If I don't get something exciting in my life very soon I'm going to die. I've run out of things to gossip about. And it may be horrible that I'm asking for drama and excitement but I love it. That's my dirty little secret for today -I love drama. I get so much entertainment from drama. When I'm apart of it I enjoy it. When I'm not apart of it and I just know about it I enjoy that too. It's horrible I know but oh well. It's me.

Boogie Man

You know I'm seventeen years old yet I still believe that if my feet touch the ground when it's dark in my room that someone or something is going to reach out from under my bed and grab my feet. I havnt even really thought like what would happen after they grabbed my feet, I could easily scream and have my parents in my room in a second. But I still am frightened. Pathetic. Oh well. Guess I'll just always have to have my mom turn my light off or use a lamp next to my bed. I've gone 17 years avoiding standing in my room while it's dark- I can handle the rest of my life I guess. It's only a slight difficulty.

Please

Will you just text me? Please? I feel like our friendship is one sided. If it wasn't for me we wouldn't be friends at all because you don't put effort forth. It's not fair. It's not fair that I like you but I do. But I'd gladly ignore my feelings if you would just be a good friend to me. Just be a friend. Text me. Talk to me. Put in effort and make me not feel pathetic. Please.

Before you go judging...

You may think your trials are harder but we all have different tolerances. What you may consider easy another may consider difficult. You may consider lack of money to be your hardest trial, while another may consider a certain characteristic trait to be most difficult. I hate when people judge me. No one truly understands my life except me. No one has had to deal with all of the things I have had to. But I have had my fair share of struggles. I struggle with confidence.  I struggle with acceptance.  I struggle with image. I struggle with control.  I struggle with failure.  I struggle with anxiety. There are so many things you don't know about me. How are you able to judge me without knowing the whole truth? I know I am obnoxious and I complain and I act like a know-it-all. But it's to hide my insecurities. I don't like acting sad or mad or angry. I often fake my happiness to ensure no one will ask my "what's wrong?" So don't judge me, don't think my life is perfect and great. Because it's not. I struggle, I am just good at hiding my imperfections.